Jesus Christ get it off my face, says scientist
THE scientist who discovered a new ferret-like mammal is pleading with colleagues to somehow get it off his face.
Naturalist Tom Logan encountered the fascinating creature when it leapt from a tree, sunk its sharp claws into his cheeks and began frenziedly biting at his features.
He said: “Somebody do something, it hurts so much. Oh God I think it’s got my eye.”
Looking on, Logan’s colleague Professor Henry Brubaker said: “This is a big moment for science. Look at the unique parallel markings on its back.
“No wait that’s Tom’s blood. It must have hit an artery.”
Brubaker said he was astounded by the tiny creature’s boundless aggression: “It’s like every time Tom tries to grab its writhing torso, the animal intensifies its attack, tearing and rending at his flesh with razor-like teeth.
“You’d think it would stop after a bit but it’s really tenacious. The term ‘killing machine’ sounds a bit over-dramatic but I’d say it’s appropriate here.
“Wow it’s really freaking out now. It’s little but it’s all muscle. What’s it doing with his ear?
“Ah, that’s just nasty.”
Tom Logan added: “Gun. Get. A. Gun.”