Trapped Scottish drivers forced to deep fry each other
HUNDREDS of Scottish drivers, trapped by heavy snow, today face the prospect of deep frying the meatiest ones to stay alive.
With emergency services unable to get through, the cold and hungry motorists have fashioned a deep fat fryer using the cargo bay of a Toyota Hilux pick-up truck and some blow torches.
Those motorists that look the most delicious will then be deep fried in motor oil for about 20 minutes.
The police and fire brigade said they hoped to get close enough to the stranded cars so that they can use catapults to fire in sachets of brown sauce.
A spokesman for the RAC said: “Luckily most Scottish people carry batter ingredients in the boot of their car in case they come across something by the side of the road that needs to be deep fried.
“If you’re driving through central Scotland on a Sunday, you will often see families parked up by the side of the road deep frying a fox, or a badger or an abandoned shopping trolley.
“Sometimes a knife fight will break out over who gets to eat the wheels.”
Meanwhile experts warned that the crunchy-fried man-feast could expose Scotland’s deep religious divisions.
Cambridge theologist, Dr Nathan Muir, said: “The trapped protestants will be very conflicted if they face the prospect of eating a catholic.
“Do they treat it like a Jewish person treats pork? Or do they devour it enthusiastically knowing they have helped to stem the tide of Popery?”
Dietician Helen Archer said that one big fat Scottish person could feed up to six other Scottish people for two days, especially if the chubby fingers and toes were deep fried separately and used for snacks.
She added: “It’ll be interesting to see how the Scottish digestive system copes with eating something as nutritious as a human being. Even a Scottish human being.”