Zoology admits defeat over cocks, tits and beavers

30-03-10

BEAVERS are to be renamed ‘riverdogs’ after zoologists finally conceded defeat to the overwhelming forces of sexual innuendo.

You should see her beaver

The move comes after conservationists admitted that vital research was being hampered by email spam filters which prevent the exchange of information on species such as the dik-dik, the blue tit and the cock-eared fuckmonkey.

Professor Nikki Hollis, a beaver, tit and cock specialist at Reading University, said: “In a world retarded by the proliferation of free internet pornography and the children’s magazine Nuts, it is no longer viable for any species to have a name that is transferrable to the male or female genital parts.”

She added: “Last week I addressed a conference in Geneva on the threats posed by global warming to the natural habitats of the beaver, the booby and the shag.

“I then faced a series of what I strongly believe were non-zoological questions, such as ‘aren’t beavers supposed to be wet?’ and ‘are the hairiest beavers more waterproof?’”

Wildlife bodies have now agreed that tits should be renamed ‘skylings’, thrushes will become ‘horse sparrows’ and all varieties of cock bird shall henceforth be known simply as ‘Ian’.

But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, warned: “In terms of stimulating students’ interest in the natural world, we believe it would be beneficial if more animals had names that were not only sexually suggestive, but overtly obscene.

“Would teenagers not be more receptive to the plight of the Asiatic fox if it were called the red spunker? Would the orangutan not have more charitable sponsors if it were called the fannydongball?”

 

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