Sperm love to party down

SPERM actively enjoy alcohol and cigarettes, it has emerged.

Bring it

New research published in the journal Human Reproduction has found that tobacco and alcohol are less harmful to sperm than previously thought. In fact, the overtly-masculine culture that exists inside testicles means that spematozoa relish intoxicating stimulants.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “By inserting a camera into a human scrotum, we were able to see that the testicular interior resembles a tiny version of a ‘frat house’ as portrayed in American college films.

“The sperm’s living area is dirty and untidy, with peeling posters of eggs and ovaries tacked to the inner wall of the teste.

“Typically there will also be a pool table and at least two bongs.”

Sperm Roy Hobbs, also known as ‘R-Man’ or ‘Poon Dogg’, said: “It’s all jokers and smokers in teste-land, there’s a real great par-tay vibe.

“Also it helps that there’s no daylight inside the scrotum, so you can just sleep all day, whatever.

“Getting loaded gives you the extra confidence you need to talk to ovums nicely so that they let you fuse with them.”