Pope To See Where It All Didn't Happen
POPE Benedict will today visit the scenes of the made-up stories that form the basis of his crazy, voodoo religion.
The Pope will visit Jerusalem, Nazareth and Bethlehem to pray at the sites of the ancient legends that he continues to insist are real in an elaborate, but ultimately futile attempt to stop you having sex whenever you feel like it.
His itinerary will include the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem, built on the exact spot where nothing happened around the time of the already well-established winter solstice, 2000 years ago.
The Pontiff will then travel to the Sea of Galilee in Nazareth where absolutely no-one has ever walked on water, before moving onto Cana where there may well have been a wedding at some point, but it was certainly not attended by a charismatic teacher named Jesus and the guests drank whatever happened to be available at the time.
Pope Benedict will then arrive in Jerusalem where he will visit the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, the historic scene of nothing, now controlled by four different Christian denominations each with a slightly different opinion about various things that never happened.
He will complete his visit by blessing the Jewish people, none of whom actually believe Jesus ever existed but have decided not to point that out in case the Pope gets out his old Hitler Youth costume and it all kicks off again.
The Pope's visit to the Holy Land has a special significance for Christians all over the world, mainly because he is an old man who has read the Bible from beginning to end and wears a big, shiny hat.
Historian Dr Bill McKay said: "You see, the thing about the Bible is, it's just a book and just because something is in a book, it doesn't actually mean that it's real. Please tell me you understand that."