Bank machines to squirt beer

A NEW type of bank machine that knows users’ habits will squirt lager directly into their mouths.

It’s ‘milk tokens’ for the 21st century

Instead of choosing an amount of cash to withdraw, the consumer presses the ‘favourite’ button. Money will be debited from their account, but what happens next will depend on their spending habits.

Cashpoint developer Bill McKay explained: “Many users will be rewarded with a torrent of beer pumped directly at their faces, removing the need to walk to a pub.

“Those with a sweet tooth will receive chocolate coins, while fried food lovers will be blasted with chicken nuggets.

“The machine uses club and debit card data but also recognises jowls, eye bags and stubble as indicators of what you want.”

“It’s a particularly good innovation for scratchcard fans. Instead of having to visit the post office, they will receive a tiny fraction of the cash amount debited from their accounts.

“This comes with a note saying “Well done, you won something.”

McKay added: “If you spend a lot on prostitutes, by all means use our highly versatile machines, but you might want to choose one in a discreet location.”