Computers become moron

ENGINEERS working for Google have linked together 1,000 computers to perform the role of one really annoying person.

It is powered by pies and crisps

The neural network, which mimics the function of a moron’s brain, can recognise pictures of cats dressed as superheroes, write reviews of ‘cult’ science fiction TV series and locate pictures of any celebrity’s breasts within 30 seconds.

Google engineer Tom Logan said: “We didn’t name the network but we imagined that if it was a person, it would have sinus issues, a t-shirt with a Star Trek joke on it and an astounding definition of what constitutes personal hygiene.

“We have basically used the latest in image-recognition, data aggregation and artificial intelligence techniques to create a machine that would live in your basement and still be unemployed and unmarried by the age of 35.”

“If you remember the film Lawnmower Man it’s basically that with more wanking.”

The self-learning network can differentiate between motivational posters and inspirational quotes and random strings of words, which makes it more advanced than 60% of the people on Facebook.

Developers noted that when left to develop independently, the network’s personality was automatically embittered, rambling and under the assumption that its demented comments posted beneath newspaper articles have some sort of value.

Logan admits that the network is still relatively unsophisticated and says it will be many years before they can replicate the ability to fake a picture of Lindsay Lohan fellating a farm animal.

He said: “I’m sure Alan Turing’s artificial intelligence test would be unable to distinguish between our network and an actual, living gobshite.”