Guardian readers order 500 tons of microwaved African toilet-charcoal
GUARDIAN readers are looking forward to fuelling their ironic barbecues with the microwaved faeces of a Third World village.
As Microsoft tycoon Bill Gates unveiled a toilet that heats raw stools until they become charcoal briquettes, North Londoners of excellent character have ordered a boat load of African fecal blocks in time for next summer.
Helen Archer, a Camdenite, said: “I hope it comes with a photo of the ‘provider’ and a quarterly update of how they are doing at school.”
She added: “It would be morally depraved to use Third World charcoal to cook something that the charcoal providers themselves could not afford to eat.
“So we’ll be sticking with aubergines. And a nice, ripe fig.”
Meanwhile, Daily Telegraph readers are also keen to try the African toilet charcoal, but intend to cook big, thick steaks which they will devour, expel, turn into charcoal and then send back to the village that produced the original charcoal with a note saying ‘beat that’.
But, as fevered Channel Four executives began sketching out the format of Jamie Oliver’s African Dung Barbecue, Africans stressed that while the microwave toilet was a ‘lovely thought’ they would still prefer the cash equivalent.
Mkosa Yuamba, from Angola, said: “I’m not hellish keen on cooking my next meal with the digested remains of my last. I do sometimes think that you lot have way too much time on your hands.
“That said, if some Islington architect wants to make himself feel better by grilling sardines over my carbonised dumpings then I’m not going to be the party-pooper.
“Oh, so I’m not allowed to have a sense of humour about it? Fuck you.”
Tom Logan, from Hatfield added: “So Bill Gates is recycling shite. Plus ca change…”