Scientists Discover Tedious, Left-Wing Spider

13-10-09

SCIENTISTS have discovered the world's first Guardian-reading spider and are already bored of its never-ending torrent of opinions about everything.

And it thinks The Wire is better than Hamlet

The Monbiot spider is a vegetarian for socio-political reasons, spins a sustainable quantity of low-carbon web and believes Gordon Brown can still turn it around by next June.

Experts have revealed that instead of eating flies and having a proper job like everybody else, the creature organises community outreach projects and converts floating seeds and vegetable matter into pungent, inedible casseroles.

The study found that the spider also has lots of gay spider friends and bears distinctive markings that resemble a fair trade t-shirt from Sri Lanka.

Zoologist Dr Stephen Malley, said: "When we first came across it, it seemed to be hosting a poorly-attended seminar about women's rights and press freedom in the former Yugoslavia.

"We tracked it back to its lair where it started rubbing its hind legs together and making a noise that sounded a bit like Michael Stipe.

"We then tried poking it with a stick to get it angry but it just presented us with a tiny cup of camomile tea and gave us some literature about Darfur."

He added: "I have discovered some incredibly annoying animals in my time, but I have always appreciated that they are part of a wondrous eco-system. But there is just something about this spider that makes me really want to stamp on it over and over again."

The Monbiot spider exhibits similar behavioural patterns to the Communards beetle, discovered in California, whose intricate mating dance seems to be based on the 1986 version of Don't Leave Me This Way.

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