Arsehole neighbours having lovely time in garden

THE arseholes next door have been having an absolute bloody riot in their garden again, it has been confirmed.

As the UK’s heatwave continues, twat neighbours across the country have been making the most of the sunshine while screeching and cackling like the intolerable sh*ts they obviously are.

Nikki Hollis, from Peterborough, said: “They got the f**king paddling pool out and even discussed setting up the badminton net, presumably because the paddling pool does not generate enough shouting.

“I overheard them while I was shutting the windows and closing the curtains so I could watch TV without imposing my behaviour on other people like a massively selfish bast*rd.”

Meanwhile, sources suggest the noisy, happy arseholes are planning a barbecue for dinner again, despite the fact that it is a weeknight and the absolute f**kers had one yesterday.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

'So you had an election then?' chuckles Juncker

JEAN Claude Juncker has opened Brexit negotiations with the UK by chuckling away like an easily amused child.

The EU commission president entered the meeting room in Brussels laughing and showing one his aides something on his phone before asking Brexit secretary David Davis what he had been up to recently.

Juncker added: “Been on holiday, read any good books, held any hopelessly misjudged general elections?

“And are you going to Glastonbury, or are you going to be too busy with work?”

Davis replied with an exaggerated yawn and a remark about ‘European humour’ before adding: “So how the fuck does this work?”