Blood-Soaked Revolution To Start At Noon
BRITAIN'S long-awaited bloody revolution will begin at noon today, after MPs voted to keep their £24,000 second home allowance.
Despite repeated warnings that a vote for the generous expenses package would lead to their certain deaths, 146 Labour MPs and 24 Tories backed the measure which will allow them to buy whatever they want with your money.
Regional organisers say the first priority will be to put together a series of medium-sized lynch mobs to hunt down local MPs and drag them to the town square where they will be pelted with thousands of £1 coins.
One group in the North East plans to tie its MP to a chair and then take the 42-inch plasma screen television he bought with public money and drop it on his head from a large crane.
Meanwhile those cabinet ministers, already on a basic salary of £138,000, who voted for the second home allowance, are expected to be paraded on the back of a cart to Regent's Park Zoo and then thrown to the polar bears.
Bill McKay, a regional organiser from Lincolnshire, said: "In the midst of rising household bills, looming recession and job losses, the only reasonable response to this kind of thing is ravenous bears."
He added: "Of course, once we've despatched the MPs we will then need to form a provisional government held to account by some sort of democratically elected chamber.
"It will be a demanding job, involving lots of time away from home, so a large, unaccountable expenses package will probably be necessary.
"Personally, I'd quite like a flat in Bayswater with granite worktops and a power shower."