Britons face terrible pressure to be good at things

ANDY Murray’s tennis victory has put ordinary Britons under immense pressure to be less shit, experts have warned.

Only thinking about himself

Only thinking about number one

Workers who previously had no difficulty getting away with utter mediocrity have already reported increased levels of expectation.

Swindon-based Tom Logan said: “Immediately there was a text from my boss saying ‘Let’s ace tomorrow’s sales figures, the sky’s the limit!’ Jesus.

“I don’t want to excel, like most people in this country I want to do the bare minimum and dick about a bit on the internet.

“The England football team had been excellent role models – basically turning up and wanking it out with deeply average results.

“That’s the level of achievement I’m comfortable with. This whole ‘winning’ thing seems new and weird.”

Office administrator Mary Fisher said: “I have a bad feeling about all this, like I’m now going to be expected to do stuff. Apparently my team leader at work is already ‘inspired’ and my husband wants to try some athletic new sex things.

“Murray could have come second, everyone would have said nice things and felt a moderate amount of pride. But no, he had to go for the glory.

“Everyone’s talking about him like he’s some sort of hero, but I think he’s a very selfish man.”