Government policy to be anecdote-based
ALL UK policy decisions are to be based on anecdotal evidence, the government has announced.
After health minister Anna Soubry said “glamorous” cigarette packets caused her to smoke, the government said genuine evidence would be replaced by anecdotes, which are cheaper and more interesting.
A government spokesman said: “Why waste money on actual research when you can just think of something that happened to you, your uncle Trevor, or someone you met in the pub?
“Some of the anecdotes we’ve gathered are frankly shocking. Apparently there’s a man in Chester who’s signing on but gets a new 52” TV and a massive slap-up curry delivered to his house every day. Yes, every day.
“Anecdotes have also been helpful in David Cameron’s anti-porn campaign, with one Mumsnet user reporting that her son had stumbled across images of large-breasted milfs after typing ‘GCSE revision guides’ into Google.”
The new policies will include a price increase on fizzy alcoholic drinks, because the bubbles make you more pissed, and a total ban on sitting too close to the TV, which it is hoped will prevent people needing glasses.
Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “It’s about time the government started listening to anecdotes. My boss’s auntie was in hospital recently and one of the doctors was clearly smoking a spliff.
“Or he might have had a pen in his mouth, but it’s best to be on the safe side and close the hospital down.”