'I can't come to work because of the solar flare'


MILLIONS of workers will be trapped at home until Monday, because of solar activity.

Fuck sake, that really doesn't look right

Scientists said solar flares, from the sun, are reaching into homes across the country and making people very groggy, while commuters run the risk of being fried like a sausage on the bus.

Tom Logan from Hatfield, told his employer: “I just put my hand outside the front door and it was almost burnt off. I’ll send you a photo. It may not look like my hand, but it is.”

Offering to work from home, he added: “I’ll try and do some stuff by email but the flares have made my laptop all wonky.”

Emma Bradford, from Stevenage, said: “I opened the door to the postman just as one of the flares hit. He instantly turned into ash and then collapsed in a heap at my feet.

“The tragedy is I’ll never know what was in that parcel. So I should probably take a couple of days off.”

Helen Archer, from Redhill, said: “The solar flare has given me a throbbing headache and made my breath smell like day-old Pinot Grigio. This happens to me every time there are more than a dozen highly charged particles in the upper atmosphere. My gran got it too.”

Experts confirmed it was the worst natural phenomena-based absenteeism since millions were left housebound by the Attack of the 50ft Icelandic Volcanoes.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “The best way to treat solar flaring is to stay at home and watch television, though solar flares can interfere with the signal, thus leaving millions of vulnerable people completely stranded and forced to watch box-sets instead.

“Meanwhile, our research shows that the outer London suburbs still contain a huge number of tsunami victims.”


  • Share: