‘Maim colleague’ is top New Year’s resolution

MILLIONS of professionals are beating the back-to-work blues by vowing to maim a colleague or supervisor in 2013.

Set yourself achievable maiming goals

Researchers at Roehampton University found the majority of workers plan to carry out their attack using a stapler, hole punch or other document-combining device, with 28% saying they’d ‘do it with their bare hands if necessary’.

Donna Sheridan, a mayoral assistant from Kettering said that this is the year she plans to exact revenge on Dylan from the post room.

She explained: “He keeps telling me about how much he hates capitalism. I know he hates capitalism, why else would he smell of onions?

“I spent the Christmas holidays fantasizing about forcing his head into a filing cabinet and slamming the drawer repeatedly. In my head it’s like a scene in a Japanese gangster film where you think the camera is going to cut away, but it doesn’t.

“Clearly though I have no intention of killing him, just making his ears bleed a bit.”

Sales co-ordinator Tom Booker said: “I was going to join a gym for my New Year’s resolution, but then I realised that forcing my struggling line manager out of a third floor window would be a more productive way of burning off calories.

“Also I’m going to read a book every week.”