TYPICAL household goods including monocle grease and penny farthing oil have been removed from the basket of items used to measure inflation.

The new basket will include a range of modern, everyday purchases including spats, violin cases and sheet music for Dixieland jazz.

Officials say they want to bring the consumer price index up to date without going so far as to include things that people actually buy.

A Treasury spokesman said: "There are two kinds of inflation. There's the inflation we talk about on the news, which generally hovers around the 2% mark.

"Then there's the inflation that you pay in the shops, and God only knows what that is."

He added: "Have you seen the price of petrol? In the name of fuck! Thank Christ I work for the government."

Minsters are revamping a range of official indices, with the London Media Twat Index updated to include Inca hats and books about Afghanistan.
 
From April the Index for People with Constipation will include muffins, fruit smoothies and the Daily Express.

Meanwhile the Index of Annoying Pricks has been expanded to include the word 'methinks'.

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