'Oh My God! What The Fuck Is That!' Says Brown

20-03-08

PRIME minister Gordon Brown yesterday unveiled the government's annual list of Utterly Terrifying Things.

See you in hell, goose

Mr Brown said the 2008 list was the longest since the 1930s and a timely reminder of why everyone should just shut up and do as they are told.

New to the top 10 is Bulgarian Goose Syndrome, which will not only wipe out British farming, but give everyone a nasty cold sore that will last for weeks.

The Prime Minister told the House of Commons: "You'll look all diseased and dirty. No-one will want to kiss you."

Meanwhile Mr Brown warned that Britain's pencils were now sharper than ever and urged pencil users to deploy 'some kind of makeshift cap, perhaps taken from an old Biro'.

The government report, Aaaaaaaaargh! 2008, also set out  the latest intelligence on fridge movements, warning that these 60cm wide appliances had now infiltrated every community in Britain.

Recommending that everyone buy a crash helmet, a gong, and a pitchfork, Mr Brown said: "Whether it be fridges, pencils or the constant threat from fanatical Bulgarian geese and… oh my God! What the fuck is that? Run! Run for your lives!"

Top 10 threats:

  • Terror, mayhem, general unpleasantness
  • Bird aches and pains 
  • Plastic bags

  • White wine promotions
  • The Archbishop of Canterbury
  • Butter
  • Over-sharpened pencils
  • Edmonds
  • Bulgarian Goose Syndrome
  • Attack of the Fridges
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