Teachers to strike because children are vile

TEACHERS are to strike because children are unbearably horrible.

The National Union of Teachers says that all its members’ problems boil down to children being a massive pain in the arse.

Their demands include having pupils fitted with collars that electrocute them when their voice goes over seven decibels, and an industrial grade hose in every classroom that can be used for discipline and child cleaning.

An NUT spokesman said: “We’ve realised that no sum of money can compensate a person for being locked in a room everyday with a group of psychopathic midgets.

“You try to discipline them, and they either threaten you with Childline or run at you with a compass. The smarter ones have worked out that set squares make fairly effective shuriken stars.”

Secondary PE teacher Denys Finch Hatton said: “I could cope when they were screaming and throwing things, but now they’re all really into narcissism.

“Watching the little shits take pictures of themselves pouting when I’m trying to do the register, it’s more than a person can take.”

Pupil Stephen Malley said: “I’m so proud to be part of the generation that broke them. We didn’t even have to go out of our way to be especially awful. We’re just naturally ‘like that’.”