Universities praised for mediocrity

BRITAIN’S universities are adapting to the half-arsedness of the country, it has been claimed.

It's pretty, but don't get carried away

UK universities’ continued slide down the international league table has been hailed by business leaders.

Senior bank executive Tom Booker said: “Britain’s culture is one of moderate achievement driven almost entirely by the desire for expensive homeware.

“You want young minds developed to about 51% of capacity. Second gear is about right for desk work.

“The eggheads need to respect that.”

Recruitment consultant Nikki Hollis agreed: “The Olympics were great but also exhausting. If anything, they proved that you can’t sustain being brilliant.

“You’d be knackered all the time.”

Student Stephen Malley said: “My lecturer says I need to focus more on pretending to be busier than I actually am, because that’s how you get promoted.

“I am young and alive and bursting with dreams of adequacy.”