Vicars Back Gay Marriage If They Can Read Out The Bit About Killing Them
CHURCH of England vicars will bless gay couples as long as they are allowed to quote Bible passages about them being abominations who must be put to death.
Rev Denys Hatton, vicar of St Gary's in Folkham, said: "I am more than happy to perform a gay blessing as long as I am allowed to pick the reading. And since you ask, I would kick things off with a spot of Corinthians, where St Paul makes it abundantly clear that homosexuals are 'unrighteous'.
"Then I'd crank it up with a quote from Romans where St Paul describes them as 'degrading', 'depraved' and 'indecent'."
He added: "There is a misconception that the New Testament is all sweetness and light and that Jesus loved everyone. But what he actually said was 'follow the Old Testament, but don't have a go at prostitutes because some of them are friends of mine'."
To prepare for the changes the Church of England is to publish a pamphlet for gay couples entitled, Welcome to the House of God - He Wants You Dead, By the Way.
The guide will make it clear the Church is legally obliged to perform same-sex blessings as long as the couples refrain from touching anything and agree to sit on plastic bags so they do not infect the pews with their Satanic rectums.
But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "While this is all terribly modern it should be stressed that any gay people still stupid enough to believe in God deserve to be reminded of his absolute hatred of them.
"I personally believe that gays should discriminate against Christianity, at least until they agree to reject the Bible.
"Maybe the Christians could then follow a different book, like Tales of the City or The Wizard of Oz."
Meanwhile the Rev Julian Cook, vicar of St Brian's in Cladthorpe, said: "I'm the old fashioned type, so I would stick with Leviticus, lingering over the word 'abomination', before belting out the all-time classic 'both of them have committed a detestable act - they shall surely be put to death!'.
"And then perhaps a lovely hymn."
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