Wetherspoon’s to open human zoo

JD WETHERSPOON is to open a zoo showcasing unusual and endangered humans, just off the M40.

The pub chain hopes its human zoo will become a bigger family attraction than Alton Towers as families flock to see the strange and wonderful exhibits drawn from its outlets across the UK.

The ‘Wetherzoo’ promises attractions included the world’s reddest man, the two oldest-looking middle-aged women you’ve ever seen and a girl who can sustain an argument with her boyfriend for 39 hours.

A spokesman said: “The Wetherzoo will be an important scientific resource, as our researchers work to decode the grunts and growls of amazing specimens like ‘Billy’, the 29-stone Glaswegian former rail worker who uses a unique language to communicate with bar staff.

“Displayed in their natural environment of a cavernous, eerily quiet pub, these remarkable creatures will be carrying on their instinctive consumption of cheap beer just as they would in their local pub habitat.

He added: “They’re not actually in captivity, they just choose not to leave. In fact we’ve already tried ringing the ‘last orders’ bell but it has no effect.”

Web designer and father-of-two Stephen Malley said: “Like most people these days I’m obsessed with work, mortgages and materialistic one-upmanship, so I think it’s important to preserve people who couldn’t give a shit for future generations.”