Nuclear Submarine Found On Train

THE government faced fresh embarrassment last night after a Vanguard class nuclear submarine was found on board a commuter train.

A junior Cabinet Office official has been suspended, while home secretary Jacqui Smith has been told to hand back her keys to the Tower of London.

HMS Vengeance was discovered by Julian Cook, a trainee solicitor, during his 45 minute journey from Luton to Kings Cross ThamesLink. Mr Cook immediately handed the vessel, and its 135 crew, to the BBC.

He said: "I was actually going to the toilet when I noticed the aisle was blocked by 16,000 tonnes of ocean-going holocaust machine.

"The moment we arrived at Kings Cross I dragged it onto the tube and headed straight for Shepherd's Bush."

After confirming it was a genuine submarine the BBC immediately contacted the Press Association who in turn passed it on to the editor of The Spectator.

The submarine was eventually handed back to the Royal Navy by the assistant features editor of Grazia.

The latest security breach comes just 48 hours after the aircraft carrier HMS Invincible was hijacked by a pack of dogs.

Meanwhile Al Qaeda has released a statement via Al Jazeera TV, outlining plans to shift its international HQ to the 7.45 from Croydon to Victoria.

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Your Astrological Week Ahead

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

A supportive group of friends comes in handy when you're feeling low about everything in your life. Maybe you should get one, loser.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Slow down and complete the task in hand before agreeing to take on another task with another person. Unless you like that kind of thing.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Being able to bend in the breeze when love thrashes you about is a skill worth developing. Some people will pay a fortune for that kind of thing.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Finding the One is starting to seem like a never-ending quest – but do you have to sample quite so many? Even if you carry on doing them two at a time it’s going to take for ever.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Slow down and appreciate the art of relaxing by yourself at home. But don’t relax too much as you will go deranged and become covered in boils.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Love can't find you if you're always out to lunch. Ask a casual partner to write your name, number and sexual proclivities in the pub toilet. It worked last time!

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Make a conscious effort to appear more available for ‘romantic’ encounters – if that were possible.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Make your daydreams come true! Where there's a will there's a way. Self-fulfilling prophecies aren't fiction. Positive thinking and a little faith will do the trick. Aha ha, ha ha, ha, ha. Ha ha.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Flirting today could get you noticed in the wrong way. And once you are on that register it is a devil to get off!

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Watch out for a new admirer who will soon reveal their intentions. Strange, I’ve never heard one called that before.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Friends having relationship woes could really use your sense of humour to snap them out of it. And you could use their confusion and vulnerability to get sex. Everyone’s a winner!  

 

 

{mosimage}Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)

A supportive group of friends comes in handy when you're feeling low about everything in your life. Maybe you should get one, loser.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)

Slow down and complete the task in hand before agreeing to take on another task with another person. Unless you like that kind of thing.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)

Being able to bend in the breeze when love thrashes you about is a skill worth developing. Some people will pay a fortune for that kind of thing.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)

Finding the One is starting to seem like a never-ending quest – but do you have to sample quite so many? Even if you carry on doing them two at a time it’s going to take for ever.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)

Slow down and appreciate the art of relaxing by yourself at home. But don’t relax too much as you will go deranged and become covered in boils.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)

Love can't find you if you're always out to lunch. Ask a casual partner to write your name, number and sexual proclivities in the pub toilet. It worked last time!

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)

Make a conscious effort to appear more available for ‘romantic’ encounters – if that were possible.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)

Make your daydreams come true! Where there's a will there's a way. Self-fulfilling prophecies aren't fiction. Positive thinking and a little faith will do the trick. Aha ha, ha ha, ha, ha. Ha ha.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)

Flirting today could get you noticed in the wrong way. And once you are on that register it is a devil to get off!

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)

Watch out for a new admirer who will soon reveal their intentions. Strange, I’ve never heard one called that before.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Friends having relationship woes could really use your sense of humour to snap them out of it. And you could use their confusion and vulnerability to get sex. Everyone’s a winner!