Terror Raids Unearth Huge Amount Of Bullshit

POLICE raids on suspected terrorists have uncovered a potentially lethal stockpile of bullshit, it emerged last night.

According to security sources, police raids in Manchester, Liverpool and Clitheroe have so far yielded eight packets of crisps, some beard shampoo and a foreign looking hat.

A senior police source said: "Put the crisps in the hat, add some shampoo, give it a good shake and what have you got? Unimaginable carnage, that's what you've got.

"They were definitely planning to blow themselves up in the middle of the Arndale Centre, or the Trafford Centre, or the railway station, or St Ann's Square, or any one of the 200 pubs and clubs in central Manchester, or the airport, or in the middle of the M6. We're absolutely sure about that."

Sources said the raids had been brought forward while claiming the planned attacks were almost certainly due to be carried out today or tomorrow.

A source added: "We like to leave things to the last possible moment. Makes it a bit more like Spooks. If only we could discover a nuclear bomb that had a digital timer on it with just 10 seconds left. I'd love that."

Meanwhile a loophole which allows thousands of angry, bearded Pakistanis to enter Britain without background checks was doing its job very nicely indeed, the immigration minister told sources last night.

A source close to Phil Woolas said: "We let in just enough of them to keep you nice and scared, wait until they take a photograph of something and then arrest them at gunpoint."

Prime minister Gordon Brown last night claimed personal responsibility for both the surveillance operation and the arrests while a source stood behind him shaking his head and waving his hands.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Dream Doctor Toby: He Interprets Your Dreams

Case No. 1: 'Tom and the rope bridge'

Dear Dr Toby,
I had a dream that I was crossing a rope bridge up high in the clouds and then I met an old school friend halfway.

I wanted to know what he was doing, and he said he was biting the toggles off the bridge so that it would break.

He started doing this with his teeth and the bridge came apart and I fell down through the sky, and then hit the floor with a thump (even though they say if you hit the ground you die – you don't! Although you do wake up feeling slightly startled!).

Anyway, what can it all mean?

Tom

Dear Tom,

Although the general theme of this dream – falling – is fairly common, the details of your own personal version reveal a complex and creative personality. I’m guessing that you are heavily involved in the Arts, you probably enjoy ballet and watching 'Strictly Come Dancing'?

The rope bridge and it's location, high in the clouds, suggests that you are highly strung, but have high hopes for your life. The bridge itself is a literal crossing point: your life is moving from one point to another with a potentially troublesome transition ahead.

Dreams involving old school friends are often a defence response, a longing for the 'happiest days of your life', perhaps a desire for the close companionship of a male friend who supported you during puberty and those confusing times when you were embracing the changes from child into adult with all those questions of ambitions, careers and sexuality that it brings.

The fact that your friend destroyed the bridge suggests conflict and possibly a response to rejection, did your friend ever make advances to you?

Perhaps he once stood slightly too close to you in the showers after PE and gazed longingly at your emerging manhood and you felt a stirring in your developing tumescence which made you feel simultaneously dirty, angry and confused, but also excited?

You probably reacted by ostracizing him and you now feel guilty, even subconsciously suicidal for potentially rejecting the only person who ever loved you for who you truly are.

I suggest that you embrace this side of your sexuality and accept that you probably have a filthy desire to fellate sailors.

Hope this helps,

Dr Toby

Next story ›