‘I Was There’

Great moments in sport, No. 87: Grace Jones remembers the 1973 FA Cup Final, Leeds United v Sunderland

Ommmmmmmmmmm! Screeeeechhhh! The entire Leeds United team wanted to eat my black ass out with their boys’ lips… arghhhhhhhhhhhh! I needed something to bring me down fast, so I stole some quaaludes from Johnny Giles’ locker… dance for me Reaney, you’re my fucking slave – do you hear me? Dance!

I put some poppers in the physios’ smelling salts… Eddie Gray took a big snort at half-time… now look at the veins in his big, wide head go ‘bumpety-bump!’… wahhhhahahahahaha!

The Sunderland team’s flat back four have spoken to me in tongues… eurghhhhhhhhhhh! What was that? You think I’m your whore, Revie?

Ssssssssssssssss…my fingers are long, I’ll stick them in your eye sockets and see if they fit… hahahahahahahahahaha! Stop laughing Jimmy Hill, you motherfucker!

Nyaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Urghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Sunderland won 1-0… Porterfield scoring with a hooked volley in the 31st minute… when the game was over I went back to my apartment, took a bath in some otters’ milk and made love to a racehorse named Chippy Minton.

As told to Matt Owen