Clegg To Clean Up Politics Using His Personal Bank Account
NICK Clegg has pledged to clean up British politics as long as you can stick two hundred and fifty quid into his current account by the end of the week.
The Lib Dem sensation said that some boring accountant stuff meant it is just easier if you give it to him personally, adding that it is 'Nick' not 'Nicholas' and 'Clegg' with a double 'g'.
He added: "I am determined to clean up the pigsty that is British politics but I do have a small number of personal expenses such as ring binders, pens, my lovely assistant Rita and the odd lunch.
"Anyway, here's my card. It's got the sort code and account number in the bottom right hand corner. If you could set up a standing order that would be magic. Saves writing a lot of cheques doesn't it?"
Mr Clegg said public confidence in parliament would only be restored when businessmen were not able to influence the political process by handing over large sums of money all in one go.
"We need a new system of political donations based on monthly instalments that are much less obvious to the sort of cynical, old-fashioned journalists who are only interested in really meaty, five figure sums."
He added: "The new politics should be about re-establishing the connection between MPs and the voters, so if it's paid directly into my current account then we'll both know where it is rather than it getting lost in the faceless and rather impersonal records of a medium-sized political party."
Mr Clegg also pledged that if the Lib Dems are able to scrap the Trident missile replacement he would be happy to keep the £100bn in his NatWest account until it can be used for something more worthwhile.
He added: "Honestly it's no bother. There will be a small handling fee. Tiny, actually. Three, maybe four percent. You'll hardly notice it."
Meanwhile the Lib Dem leader has also agreed to show his birth certificate to the Daily Mail in bid to convince them that he is not Rudolf Hess.