EU To Ask Women When They First Sat On A Washing Machine

CITIZENS across the European Union are to be asked a series of intimate sexual questions including when they first discovered the joys of vibration.

The Antonio Banderas of washing machines

In a bid to improve policy making the European Parliament wants member states to conduct surveys which include detailed questions about rubbing, bouncing and ice cubes.

Dutch MEP Theo Van Poomf said: “Take the section on nipples, for example. We need to know when our citizens first became aware of their nipples and what influence that has had on their choice of public transport.”

He added: “Are women who indulge in washing machines more or less likely to reuse plastic shopping bags?

“Does rubbing yourself in church make you more likely to send your children to a private school?

“And is the EU constitution more popular with people who enjoy demented sexual role-playing?”

But the move has been strongly opposed by some British MEPs. UKIP member Denys Finch-Hatton said: “It’s the bloody French. Again.

“Knocking on my door. Asking my wife if she enjoys doing it blindfolded. On skis. While eating a hotdog. And listening to Wagner. While my mother is downstairs watching Balamory with her grandchildren. Perverts.”