G20 leaders solve world's problems in all-night tequila binge
EVERY political issue in the entire world has been sorted out by the leaders of the G20 nations during a single night of drunkenness in a Mexican cantina.
The 60-year Arab-Israeli conflict, the escalating tension between nuclear powers India and Pakistan, and the United States’ $15 trillion deficit were all dealt with, as were 28 bottles of Rancho Alegre agave tequila, five shakers of salt and a case of limes.
President Barack Obama, who awoke curled in a foetal position on the hotel room floor of the Australian Prime Minister, told a 1pm press conference that all the G20 need to do is piece together everything that was said the evening before and the world will be ‘fucking smooth’.
Obama said: “Just because we were drunk, it doesn’t make what was said was meaningless. I’m tired of writing off ideas just because…of…”
Pausing to rub his temples in a pained manner, he continued: “Seriously, the thinking around those tables last night was so unbelievably intense it’s like it’s driven a huge goddamn spike of pain right into both of my eyes.
“We fixed the international debt crisis on the back of a cocktail napkin, but Felipe Calderón burned it during this drinking game called Ring of Fire.”
David Cameron and Germany’s Angela Merkel are avoiding each other following a ‘Eurozone brainstorm’ on a fire escape which allegedly involved tongues and a fumbling attempt at breast squeezing.
Italian President Mario Monti said: “I was part of the subcommittees, which is what we called it when we went out for smokes, and I distinctly remember getting that global warming shit wrapped right up.
“I went inside to tell that Indonesian guy, Bambang – what a name, right? Bambang! – but he was on the dancefloor and LMFAO was on and that is my jam, man, that is my motherfucking jam so I just lost it.”
So far, the only clear solution that has emerged from the evening is the two-word note ‘Nuke Pyongyang’, which South Korean President Lee Myung-bak has tattooed across his buttocks.