Labour campaign to focus on updating CVs

LABOUR MPs are to spend the next seven weeks updating their CVs and talking to recruitment agencies.

As the general election starting gun is fired the party leadership has ordered an all-out effort by MPs to start looking for other jobs.

Leader Jeremy Corbyn said “There are some terrific opportunities out there. I’m really interested in fashion and the media so it would be great if I could find an opening that combined the two.”

Shadow home secretary Diane Abbott said: “I’ve held senior positions within a large organisation for the last two years and have shown initiative and team leadership skills. I enjoy motivating others and I thrive under pressure.”

Deputy leader Tom Watson is set to return to his previous career of hauling unconscious drunks from the toilets in Colchester’s seventh most successful nightclub.

Meanwhile, former shadow foreign secretary Hilary Benn has dug a large hole in his back garden where he intends to stay until the end of the year.