BBC to schedule Newcastle United as light entertainment

THE BBC’s coverage of Newcastle United’s 2013-14 season has been transferred to the department running variety shows and situation comedy.

Kinnear will spend a lot of time going downstairs on a trolley

Kinnear will spend a lot of time going downstairs on a trolley

Following Joe Kinnear’s appointment as ‘director of football’ the corporation decided that for Newcastle to appear on Match of the Day alongside serious teams, wold be ‘incongruous’.

Instead the club’s farcical adventures will will go out 8.30 on Wednesday nights as ‘Kinnear a Minute’ with a laugh track and Ronnie Hazlehurst-style theme tune.

A Geordie will provide a voiceover as we follow Kinnear’s bumbling antics.

Other characters will include Alan Pardew, who will act as dreary, grey sidekick to Kinnear and Mike Ashley, the club owner, who according to a BBC source would be like ‘Captain Mainwaring, or some other fat oaf with appalling judgement’.

Storylines include Kinnear accidentally turning up on his first day at Nottingham Forest’s ground after forgetting he was sacked by them in 2004, as well as repeated attempts to sign Kevin Keegan as a striker.

Kinnear will also insist that winger Jonas Gutierrez is former Argentine dictator General Galtieri, before dragging him to the Hague and demanding they prosecute him for war crimes.

In one episode he will mistake himself for the late actor, Roy Kinnear.

Meanwhile, Mark Lawrenson will make a guest appearance as The Man Who Says ‘Not’.