Hopes rise that cycling will now be banned

THE Lance Armstrong drug scandal has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

Future generations will thank him

Armstrong has been stripped of the seven Tour de France titles that bored people so comprehensively between 1999 and 2005.

Now campaigners want to seize the latest chance to end cycling in all its monstrous varieties and have all bicycles confiscated, melted down and turned into cars.

Tom Logan, chairman of Please Shut Up About Cycling, said: “Everyone knows that the best way to make something more interesting is to throw a load of drugs at it.

“But with cycling it simply didn’t work. Instead – and this may seem outlandish – it actually made it even more tedious.

“It’s a large group of obsessives travelling at 25 miles per hour. If you came across them on a country road you would hate their fucking guts.”

Logan also stressed that nothing was more symbolic of Britain’s decline than its hysterical pride ‘in a bunch of shaved robots’.

“Sideburns and bowling shoes do not a personality make. If he had a four foot-wide handlebar moustache and wore a shocking pink mini-kilt then that would be a start. But it doesn’t really matter because ultimately he’s still just a dreary knee-pumper.”

Logan praised Armstrong adding: “For every Wiggins, Hoy and Pendleton who inspires a child to get on a bike, we need a Lance Armstrong to shame them into getting straight back off again.

“And to all those who say that cycling is the ‘answer’, I say ‘shut your face’.

“Electric cars, GM crops and stem cell research – there’s your answer.”