Nalbandian signs as Rooney’s petulance-trainer

WAYNE Rooney has recruited David Nalbandian to give him tips on lashing out ahead of Tuesday’s match against Ukraine.

Imagine the ball is a small severed head

Argentian tennis maverick Nalbandian lost his chance at the Queen’s Club title after somehow kicking a large advert into a linesman.  He has since been signed to mentor England football player Wayne Rooney in wild acts of spontaneous aggression.

Rooney is due to start in the crucial match against Ukraine and is hoping Nalbandian can help him achieve all-encompassing radge equal to football’s greatest nark merchants.

The cress-pated striker was recently banned for England’s first two matches after kicking a Montenegro player who unintentionally made a gesture that Rooney’s species interprets as a challenge to the dominant male.

Rooney said: “My biggest regret is not managing to draw blood from the bloke I hoofed.

“Some might say that going postal on a fellow professional athlete is different from knocking over a middle-aged bloke sat in a chair, but the flair with which David did it was world class.

“I think we can learn a lot from other sporting disciplines and I hope to pass on tips to Nalbandian on shouting expletives down the lens of the camera whenever things go very badly or very well.”

Nalbandian will coach Rooney on focus, backswing and standing around afterwards with a look that combines vague sheepishness and utter disinterest.

The Argentinian is also in line to win 2012’s ‘Least Sincere Sporting Apology’ by claiming he was unaware ATP rules forbade him from trying to dismember a match official.