Rooney sidelined with chronic awareness of futility of existence


Stoke City v Manchester United - Barclays Premier League - Britannia Stadium

WAYNE Rooney will be out of action for six weeks after he realised during training that all human endeavour is ultimately pointless.

The Manchester United star was competing for the ball with Michael Carrick when he was stopped in his tracks by a gigantic epiphany.

Manchester United doctor Emma Bradford said: “We could immediately see he had suffered a severe case of existential crisis.

“He was muttering about the fragility of the human condition and the pointlessness of life and the Europa League.”

United have put Rooney on an emergency training programme that includes nursing a baby chick back to health, but thoughts will inevitably turn to Owen Hargreaves who was forced to retire in 2012 after an opponent asked him to imagine the sound of one hand clapping.

Rooney said: “Obviously I’m gutted, but then again one day everyone and everything in this world will die.”

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