The Mascot Nightmares Begin
MILLIONS of children are waking up this morning drenched in sweat and urine following the unveiling of the London 2012 Olympic mascots.
Wenlock and Mandeville were greeted with a chorus of blood-curdling screams as onlookers trampled each other in a desperate bid to escape.
Meanwhile London mayor Boris Johnson insisted the mascots encapsulated the spirit of the city before kneeling down in front of them and begging for his life.
Emma Bishop, a mother of two from Finsbury Park, said: “The names sound like a pair of prostitute-murdering opium addicts from the 1880s and they look like the Tellytubbies’ abusive uncles.
“What we’ve got here is two giant, damaged teeth, each with a massive, psychotic eye and razor sharp claws. And the blue one seems to be using bright, friendly colours to draw attention to his genital area.
“So these things – designed specifically for children – are basically lobster-clawed pervert monsters that remind them of the dentist. Bravo.”
Helen Archer, a mother of three from Hatfield, said: “So the next time my five year-old loses a tooth and I tell him to put it under his pillow for the tooth fairy he will scream in terror and tell me it will grow into Wenlock and eat his head like it was a Malteser.
“I honestly can’t believe I’m saying this, but Adrian Chiles is no longer the most disturbing thing to appear on The One Show.”
Cowering behind the television with a jumper over his head, Archer’s seven year-old son Jake added: “Leave me be Mr Mandeville. I’ll be a good boy, I promise I will.”
The mascots were developed by the sinisterly-named children’s author Michael Morpurgo who conducted focus groups across the country to boil down childhood terror to its elemental form.
He said: “We initially thought of using those silent, floating zombies from Buffy The Vampire Slayer but Wenlock and Mandeville have the added bonus of looking like they could suddenly appear inside a pencil case or at the bottom of a Happy Meal.”