This will not be a disaster, Moyes keeps telling himself

09-05-13

NEW Manchester United manager David Moyes has spent the last 24 hours reassuring himself that this is not going to be an unmitigated catastrophe.

Moyes can't stop seeing himself being eaten by a shark

Moyes watching his reputation being eaten by a shark

Following the official announcement of Sir Alex Ferguson’s retirement Moyes told friends that he felt like Roy Scheider in Jaws when the camera zooms in on him in that really weird way.

According to his friends, Moyes spent 14 hours in his toilet yesterday staring at himself in the mirror, practicing how to look as if he knows what he is doing.

One source said: “He keeps telling himself that Manchester United is the world’s biggest club run by clever people who make really important decisions every day.

“Which means they must have a very good reason for choosing someone who has never won anything. And so there’s nothing to worry about.

“And then he goes back into the toilet.”

Another friend said: “He’s had the words ‘it’ll be fine’ tattooed on to his left palm.

“Yesterday I had to tell him to stop staring at it or we were going to crash.”

The friend added: “He’s also written a poem for Robin van Persie. I told him he didn’t have to do that and then he started to cry.”

  • Share:

  •  

    Bring-it-inside