United now uninsurable

MANCHESTER United are now virtually uninsurable after the signing of splintery striker Robin Van Persie.

Van Persie's personal dressing room door explains the situation

The premiums for the club have gradually risen over the years through a combination of Ferguson-related dressing room injuries, Rooney attacks and the ever-present risk presented by simply being in Manchester.

But with the addition of Van Persie, Ferguson admitted: “Unless we wrap Robin up in a bunch of sleeping bags and keep him away from every defender in the country the club’s going to harder to cover than George Michael’s Ferrari.

“Last season he managed to play 38 games for Arsenal without exploding or falling into bits like the bad guys in the Lego games. What? I’ve watched my grandkids play them.

“Anyway the doctor doing the medical said Robin’s like an Alfa Romeo – he can look really sleek for a while but his boot will suddenly fly off for no reason and the next thing you know you’re looking at a bill that would make Bill Gates cry just to get him mobile again.”

The club have already taken steps to reduce their insurance liability, minimising the risk of crowd-related trouble to zero through filling the stadium with people who aren’t really watching the match and by keeping the trophy cabinet empty for the last year.

They will also cancel policies on non-essential items such as Bébé, Anderson and Clive Tydesley, as well as reducing existing cover on players to a basic fire, theft and Ryan Shawcross package.

Ferguson said: “We’re doing what we can, but I just know at some point this year I’m going to be sat in my office filling out a thirty-page claim form and drawing a diagram of where all the bits of Robin’s leg ended up.”