World Cup opening ceremony to centre on 380ft replica of Putin’s cock

TODAY’S World Cup opening ceremony will feature a monstrous replica of Russian president Vladimir Putin’s ‘magnificent’ penis.

The cock, which is accurate in every detail, will enter Moscow’s Luzhniki Stadium bellend-first in a blizzard of ticker tape with official mascot Zabivaka the cartoon wolf dancing on top.

After several circuits of the stadium allowing spectators and FIFA dignitaries to admire it from every angle, the grossly outsized member will then be hoisted erect to the sound of Placido Domingo belting out some opera.

The Bolshoi Ballet will then perform a piece about how irresistible it is to women and how inspiring for men before the replica begins to fire $40 million-worth of fireworks and large-denomination banknotes from its tip.

The show will finish with Robbie Williams singing Let Me Entertain You, proving that even the biggest dicks of the West are no match for Putin.

President Trump said: “Vlad gave me a sneak preview and I thought it was tasteful. Very tasteful. Beautiful.”