Alcohol

BRITONS have admitted they cannot imagine why they would bother with pubs when it is so much cheaper to get shitfaced in the garden.

GETTING wankered in a building named after a king is 80 per cent of Britain’s economy, so as prime minister I need to make that happen. Here’s how to survive it:

A MAN is throwing £10 notes straight in the bin to simulate the experience of buying a pint in London.

A MAN who firmly believes opening pubs would be irresponsible and dangerous cannot stop thinking about going to one.

THE nicest person you know would punch you hard right in the face for a cold pint in a pub right now, it has been confirmed.

PEOPLE are queuing for miles for the thrill of getting wasted on a park bench, it has emerged.

THE effects of alcohol have finally worn off for a man who has been pissed since the lockdown began.

A WOMAN has emptied enough wine bottles to fill a Threshers into her recycling bin.

BINGE-DRINKING as usual this weekend? Freshen it up by mixing yourself one of these unprecedented-times-themed cocktails.

THE UK population is now either incapable of taking their drink or permanently wankered, research has confirmed.