Business

THE US dollar is now the nancy boy of the international money markets and the gayest currency in the world.

KING Abdullah of Saudi Arabia has revealed that he hates to travel because he misses the daily beheadings in the courtyard of his solid gold palace.

THE global surge in the price of oil has been blamed on pixies, sprites and their gang of magical woodland friends.

FASHION chain Gap has rejected an entire shipload of chinos produced by children in India saying the quality of the workmanship was “atrocious”. 

THE International Monetary Fund last night issued its starkest warning yet that British dinner parties were vastly overvalued and on the brink of a devastating collapse.

THE cost of the traditional British pub lunch has soared to £20 even though the basic ingredients of cow pats and chef sweat have remained the same, a major industry survey has revealed.

VICARS should remove their dog collars before attempting to rub themselves against choirboys, according to new guidelines.

PEOPLE should be happy to die at their desks rather than take time off to see the doctor during office hours, the Confederation of British Industry said last night. 

NORTHERN Rock customers were queuing around the block today after the stricken bank said they could take home a receptionist if they left their money in their accounts.

TUMBLING house prices and the bail out of the Northern Rock will lead to the resurrection of the dead, Armageddon and the beginning of the End Times, leading Christians confirmed today.