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You know who'd make a bloody brilliant ethics adviser? Me

INNATE, incorruptible moral authority. Already in the orbit of Downing Street. Independent from the office of prime minister. Opportunity, meet Carrie.

Mash Blind Date: 'We got blackout shitfaced. There's sick on my jeans'

WILL drinking heavily to dispel their social anxiety lead to love for Hannah and Alex? Or to a three-day hangover and memory gaps?

If I was Paul Chuckle for a day… with Tom Cruise

EVERY week, we ask a celebrity to imagine how they would live life as Paul Chuckle, aged 74, of Rotherham. Top Gun star Tom Cruise has a go.

OK Computer: why it's crap

TWENTY-FIVE years ago Radiohead released OK Computer, one of the most turgid albums ever played to son by dad. Here’s what’s wrong with it.

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Your family cat coughs up a hairball, but the hair is all light blonde. This is how you discover your wife is shagging Boris Johnson.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... the vote of no twatting confidence

Death! We’re all gonna die, soon! Even Cliff Richard! Prepare for f**king death! Don’t prance around like you’re a perpetual 25 year old! Death! Death!

He's not acting like a dead man walking. He's acting like he's untouchable for the next year

DEAD MAN WALKING, the headlines said. He wasn’t a dead man back here. More like a man given a punishment-free year.

How To Dress Like A… red-trousered braying public-school arsehole

POST-JUBILEE, post no-confidence, Britain’s waking up to the truth that the ruling classes absolutely rule. Want to establish yourself as establishment? Slip into these.

Let's move to a historic capital city that'll soon be underwater! This week: Dublin

Birthplace of Oscar Wilde, WB Yeats, James Joyce, and George Bernard Shaw, who all emigrated as soon as possible, Dublin is truly one of Europe’s great cultural centers.

Mash Blind Date: 'Being stood up went better than 90 per cent of my dates'

IS it wrong for a 34-year-old career woman to find more fulfilment in the vacant space where her date should be than if he was present?