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Save money by buying fewer Faberge eggs.

WAKING in a small boat in English waters beside a slumbering Suella Braverman, surrounded by empty gin bottles, I recollect how I arrived at my present pass.

IT’S taken months of tough negotiation to fix the broken Northern Ireland protocol. Boris doesn’t care. ‘Shove your tawdry compromise up there sideways,’ he suggests.

I love visiting the UK. London’s so vibrant and I want to tread the boards on the West End someday. But for now, does anyone know where the f**k my car is?

JORA, aged 26, is looking for no-strings casual one-night sex. So is Tom, aged 28, who firmly believes that’s not what women should want. Will they hook up?

WHEN you’re sharing your sexual fantasies with your lover, everything open, no judgement, you instinctively know: not that one.

Greggs have released a seasonal Ennui Bake capturing the feeling of late winter in Britain. It has a grey, cold filling and lasts for days and days and days. £1.99.

WAKING in a basket below a large, white balloon floating high in the stratosphere, I am dimly aware of the roar of incoming Sidewinder missiles.

RELATIONS between Downing Street and Bute House have always been cordial, except when the phone rings late at night. ‘Is that the useless wee bastard?’ Nicola asks.

I'VE never liked Italy. Opera, fussy paintings and footballers rolling around on the floor like they've been shot.