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Let's move to a bleak West Midlands town with a museum celebrating industrial revolution poverty! This week: Dudley

In the heart of the industrial wasteland of the Black Country, Dudley’s wonderfully affordable for anyone hoping to raise children with laughable accents.

Mash Blind Date: 'Everyone else in the restaurant seemed disgusted I was dating a fleshlight'

PORN fan Tom Booker, 27, meets a fleshlight modelled on the vagina of a legendary star of adult entertainment. Will he find the sexual connection he’s dreamed of?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

What a tangled web we weave when we tell one person we can’t come out to the pub tonight because we’re tired, and another person that it’s because we can’t be arsed.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Platinum Party at the pissing Palace

What kind of a docile cabbagebrain is gonna extract a morsel of entertainment from this line-up from Bleeding Obvious Hell?

I wanted Florence Pugh. I'd have taken Lily James. So who the f**k is this bitch they've got playing me?

ABSOLUTELY furious. Bouncing off the walls. They should not be able to get away with this. Some no-mark third-rate actress? Playing me?

Don’t be afraid to try your hand at a curry, by Colin the emotionally unstable chef

CURRIES are incredibly tricky and involved to make, right? Or is it just perserverance, cooking savvy and throwing spices at meat? What can go wrong?

Let's move somewhere the locals make no secret of wanting you dead! This week: Penzance

If you’re from Cornwall, take your pick from the properties which are all out of your price range thanks to Londoners buying second homes and fucking up the housing market.

Mash Blind Date: 'It's only a problem if we have children' says a man on a date with his cousin

WILL family-oriented Tom hit it off with homebody Joanna, who he has so much in common with that they even share grandparents?

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

A horse walks into a nightclub. A hot sexy filly with false eyelashes in revealing clothing, otherwise the bouncers wouldn’t have let it in.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on... Rebekah bleeding Vardy

I tell you, Rebekah, keep this up! String it out, for weeks, months, and years until your scraggy twat of a husband is playing f**king non-league football till he’s 57 to pay the fucking bills!