LABOUR has this morning announced new curbs on immigration, but are they racist enough? What would be? We ask registered bigot Norman Steele, aged 73.

OVERSEAS workers hoping to enter Britain will be fast-tracked if they can prove they watched and understood Adolescence, the government has confirmed.

THIS trade deal with India, soon to be the world’s third largest economy, is a historic accord which what do you mean they’re at war?

REFORM councillors drunk on limited local power are banning flags and spurning equality training. if you’re one of the 800, these tactics will ensure you achieve nothing constructive.

AN obnoxiously loud businessman is managing to get a remarkably strong signal connection on a train journey, fellow passengers have confirmed.

THE minimum age to become a train driver is being lowered to 18, but can lazy, vape-addicted, teenage masturbators be trusted with the responsibility? Obviously not. Here’s why.

THE centrepiece of the Royal Air Force's VE Day anniversary celebrations did not even participate in World War Two, it has emerged.

MOURNERS are rightly ripping into the music a deceased man requested for his funeral.

THE sight of horribly out of shape men walking around topless is massively boosting everyone's self-esteem, it has emerged.

IS YOUR stag or hen do almost affordable? Has the sheer expense not caused you to lose a single friend? You’re doing it wrong. Here’s how to boost the cost.

SUNSHINE means bared flesh and the exposure of bad inking decisions usually mercifully hidden by clothing. These tattoos are both generic and regrettable.

BILL Gates is giving away 99 per cent of his $200 billion fortune over the next 20 years, but how are you going to claim your share?

THE male loneliness epidemic has been traced back to an accidental release of nerdy merchandise from Forbidden Planet, research has found.

WILD beavers released into Britain are lazing around on riverbanks posing for social media photos rather than building dams.

AN obviously gay man appears to be the only person in his circle of friends, acquaintances and family to have no inkling of his sexuality.

BOOING our own player? Who’s just won the league? Of course we did. And anyone who criticises that doesn’t understand he’s made all Liverpool fans look right dicks.

A 63-YEAR-OLD man has explained to his grandchildren that once, Liverpool were just as successful and twatty about it as Manchester City are today.

COMPETITORS in the London Marathon are running into an actual, physical wall and attempting to grittily push through it.

FOOTBALL fans from chic, sophisticated Paris are currently in Birmingham due to a foul quirk of the Champions League.

GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience.

NEW England manager Thomas Tuchel has chosen the same tired old players who lost the last two Euros finals. Who should he have picked instead?

A SIMPLE monosyllabic text from a father has left his family scratching their heads. Can you make sense of it?

THE matriarch of a xenomorph hive is to join Katy Perry on today’s all-female space launch, it has been confirmed.

A UK-based bellend is frustrated he cannot advertise his credentials as his area’s leading arsehole by driving a Tesla Cybertruck.

TEENAGERS have asserted there is no way anyone could ban their phones or social media because they have no idea.

WORK on chord progressions, lay down a backing track, or shag on the label’s tab? If these bandmates had spent less time banging they could have written more banging tunes.

THE US movie industry, which churns out endless films about America and American values being the greatest, is to be killed for not being American enough.

KNEECAP may have said a few controversial things but at least they aren’t going to embarrassingly croak out Do Ya Think I’m Sexy? Clearly these acts should be banned instead.

GOT charisma? Can’t sing? Don’t let it stop you stepping up to the mic for a lengthy career. When the tune gets too tricky just talk your way through, like these legends.

ARE you fond of certain musical acts but know you’d be horribly out of place in their actual audience? Here are some you have slight reservations about listening to.

UNACCOUNTABLY, it appears acting the twat in front of the whole world can damage perceptions of you. No matter. This is my genius plan to turn that around.

THE UK is re-examining its long-held belief that allowing foreign billionaires to control every aspect of its daily life is a simply brilliant idea.

HIGH street WH Smith shops will be renamed TGJones after a £76 million buyout. Do you have an alternative name?

LINKEDIN has confirmed those searching your name on the professional networking site are not doing so to see your recent work activities but for rampant, gleeful self-abuse.

GETTING a group of co-workers to mesh can be a challenge, but you don’t need to waste money on wanky team-building events. Simply appeal to their basest instincts, like this...

AN office worker is struggling to remember how to look busy while accomplishing nothing after four days of total leisure.

‘YOU’RE fired’ is so harsh and Trumpian. A caring workplace focused on your wellbeing will use these euphemisms to soften the blow.

A WOMAN given a new role and job title is unsure whether she is being recognised for her outstanding work or treated like a prize twat.

THE customer contact teams at all Heathrow-based airlines have been given a surprise Friday off to spend at their leisure.

KEIR Starmer is allowing pubs to stay open two hours later tonight to celebrate VE Day. Here’s how to show your respect for those who experienced the war by drinking more.

A MAN has looked at the power cut across Spain, considered his options, and decided that in similar circumstances in the UK he would get pissed.

MOCKED as the alcoholic beverages of choice for builders and bus-stop pissheads, these drinks are ripe for gentrification in Shoreditch pop-up bars.

EASTER is less popular with Brits than Christmas or other bank holidays because it’s not a licence to get totally shitfaced. Here’s how to liven it up with games involving alcohol abuse.

REGULARS at a pub quiz have confirmed it is a battle arena at which they release their repressed masculinity via knowledge of trivia.