PRESIDENT Trump has popped into the UK to give our beleaguered prime minister advice on how to be a great leader like he is. These are his tips.

BUOYED by his record of incredible electoral success in the Islington area, Jeremy Corbyn has launched an as-yet-nameless political party. What would you call it?

ALL public spending should be cut ‘except for the specific services I use’, the electorate has informed the government.

PEOPLE often say to me: ‘Shouldn’t you be out with your mates boozing and chasing girls?’ Actually they usually say ‘You’re that Reform twat, aren’t you?’ but you see what I mean.

A MEDIOCRE-LOOKING man has qualified as attractive in the context of a bus, it has emerged.

A DEGREE doesn’t make you immune to life’s little mishaps. It means when they happen, you handle them with dignity, passive-aggression and Ocado bags in the footwell.

CHILDREN who are only taken on holidays in the UK have either done something terrible or are simply worthless, their parents have confirmed.

HELLO there! Yes, you seem to have skin of a shade that would suit our purposes. Could you do us an enormous favour and trigger a summer of riots?

INTRIGUED by all those making an easy living from OnlyFans? Here painfully naive girlfriend Nikki Hollis explains why she’s considering giving it a go.

UNIVERSITY leavers who claim to be smart all look incredibly dumb as they swish through cities in their ridiculous twat’s gowns.

A NEW mother has confirmed she has abandoned her career in order to focus on posting photos of her child full-time. 

IT’S never too soon to teach your offspring to lie if it saves you hassle, time and money. Here are the times when telling the truth is wrong and lying is what good girls and boys do.

A MAN is locked in a toxic relationship with his barber that is based on lies, he has admitted.

DO you feel a minor conviction might give you some much-need street cred? Get yourself nabbed for one of these misdemeanours:

STILL shaking after paying £90 for a safari park which will entertain the kids for two whole hours? Let Norman Steele explain how he kept his kids happy circa 1985.

NOT every chore is necessary. Many are pointless busywork invented by bored obsessives making problems for themselves to triumphantly solve. Skip these guilt-free.

A MAN with an extensive knowledge of football is patriotically refusing to voice his real views on the quality of yesterday’s penalty shootout.

ENGLAND’S women have admitted they have reached a saturation point of being inspired by the Lionesses’ heroics.

WOMEN are officially much better than men, the Euro 25 final has proved for the second time.

A MAN has dismissed the Lionesses’ win last night as nothing but an end-to-end thriller snatching victory from the jaws of defeat in the final moment.

PUBS across England are bracing themselves to be overrun by women watching the England-Italy semi-final in a serious, respectful manner.

A WOMAN’S age has been verified by an online tool at a speed that is frankly insulting, she has confirmed.

MILLENNIAL women are asking their elders if men were this peculiar before the online era or if the internet is to blame.

YOUR iPhone has, for the 15th consecutive year, reminded you that all your other appointments come second to celebrating the Battle of the Boyne.

ARE you an idiot with unrealistic expectations who loves finding things to moan about? You’re probably responsible for one of these online reviews…

EVERY play performed by a school revolves around the single piece of stage technology that school possesses, it has emerged.

THE Edinburgh Fringe has begun, with thousands of thespians handing out flyers to confused Americans only there for the Tattoo. What show are you taking up?

CERTAIN songs might be quite good if they, you know, ended. Here are some that life is too short to listen to in full.

THERE are many songs appropriate for lovemaking, but none featuring the word ‘sexy’. These musical cold showers explain why. 

ARE you puzzled by the BBC’s decision to go ahead with airing the next series of MasterChef? Here the broadcaster explains its very sound reasoning.

I ALWAYS knew I would find my purpose in life. That being leader of the world’s most insipid stadium rock act was only filling time until I discovered it.

THE Bank of England, learning nothing from Boaty McBoatface, invited the public to send in ideas for a major redesign of banknotes. This is why they wish they hadn’t.

GAMES Workshop has announced its profits are up by a third and its transformation of Britain into a nation of geeks nears completion.

THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.

POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.

A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.

A PAMPERED office worker is daydreaming of ditching his desk job for manual labour that would immediately destroy him.

WORKMATES not got a lot going on? Treat them to every twist in your wild rollercoaster life with regular updates. These methods let you build insights into your life into your day.

THE nation’s employers have been deluged with a torrent of teenagers on work experience who do not know how to do the most basic of tasks.

THE novelty of a toddler interrupting a professional Zoom call is waning fast, all participants confirmed.

A MAN believes he has discovered a bold new frontier of nights out by going hard and going home simultaneously.

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?

A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures.

MINDFUL that there are only 55 hours to go before the first gig of the Oasis reunion, a man has started on pre-drinks this afternoon.