A MOTHER attending an asylum protest to protect her children could have done so more effectively by not bringing them along, it has emerged.

NIGEL Farage has pledged to stamp out crime by recruiting a new force of large middle-aged men fortified with cooked breakfasts.

THE sight of a Palestinian flag at the opera, of all places, has left Britain trembling and terrified at where they might see one next. Fear these events.

LABOUR’S voting age change means today’s 12-year-olds will vote in the next election. How are you readying them for their civic responsibilities?

AFTER a hard day being Tory leader, there’s nothing I like more than to chillax with a mango ice vape, some Charlie XXX and spawning into a nice relaxing game of Fortnite. I find it very nang.

INTRIGUED by all those making an easy living from OnlyFans? Here painfully naive girlfriend Nikki Hollis explains why she’s considering giving it a go.

UNIVERSITY leavers who claim to be smart all look incredibly dumb as they swish through cities in their ridiculous twat’s gowns.

THE majority of British children should be excused school as it is a waste of their and society’s time, say experts.

THE men who cut down the Sycamore Gap tree have been cornered by a copse of menacing oaks in the prison showers hissing ‘Where’s your chainsaw now?’

ONE week to go until the end of summer term and go f**k yourself, schools! We’re off on a term-time holiday!

ARE you furious about sickness benefits supposedly paying more than a job? Clearly it’s time to start claiming yourself since it’s so easy and lucrative. Here’s how.

HE isn’t only a drug dealer; he thinks he’s a mate. Which means performing an intricate dance of feigned friendship to get what you want. Follow these steps.

A DAD on a family holiday is ticking off activities with the cold, mechanical precision of a minor Gestapo official, it has emerged.

STILL spanking one out at 50? Concerned the frequency of your solo self-abuse is not age appropriate? Our quiz will tell you whether to throttle back or push ever onwards.

A MAN heading to Athens for his summer holiday is brushing up on how to speak English slowly and more loudly.

ARE you setting up tables, chairs and a six-ring gas hob in very limited space at a summer festival? You’re probably being a dick in these ways too.

UNDER the age of 18 and worried how you’ll ever see funbags again when porn sites ask for age verification? Follow these simple steps.

A MAN has dismissed the Lionesses’ win last night as nothing but an end-to-end thriller snatching victory from the jaws of defeat in the final moment.

PUBS across England are bracing themselves to be overrun by women watching the England-Italy semi-final in a serious, respectful manner.

KNEELING before football games was not a mechanism by which racism would be eliminated entirely, the England women’s squad have been informed.

BRITON Cameron Norrie has reached the quarter-finals of Wimbledon and, I trust, has the manners to go no further. For it is not our nation’s way.

EURO 2025 kicks off today, but what if you're a woman who was briefly into football but now isn't really? Here's how to survive weeks of dutiful support.

MILLENNIAL women are asking their elders if men were this peculiar before the online era or if the internet is to blame.

YOUR iPhone has, for the 15th consecutive year, reminded you that all your other appointments come second to celebrating the Battle of the Boyne.

ARE you an idiot with unrealistic expectations who loves finding things to moan about? You’re probably responsible for one of these online reviews…

EVERY play performed by a school revolves around the single piece of stage technology that school possesses, it has emerged.

TOKEN gifts for fathers were so easy in times gone by, when a Simpsons tie did the job perfunctorily enough for no messy emotions to be bared on either side. These were adequate.

I ALWAYS knew I would find my purpose in life. That being leader of the world’s most insipid stadium rock act was only filling time until I discovered it.

JUST because your band appeals to 6Music listeners doesn’t mean you’re more than a one-hit wonder. These bands found their fans’ loyalty did not stretch to a second album.

A MAN who exclusively watches television feels fully justified in doing so after a popular memoir turned out to be largely invented.

FANS of The Boss are still reeling after he dropped seven unreleased albums a fortnight ago. He and these artists need the locks changing on their f**king vaults.

THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.

POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.

A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.

THE nation’s employers have been deluged with a torrent of teenagers on work experience who do not know how to do the most basic of tasks.

THE novelty of a toddler interrupting a professional Zoom call is waning fast, all participants confirmed.

THE key office skillset is not implementing core competencies or working the printer. It’s persuading twats to piss off back to their twat desks with twat bobbleheads on.

A TEENAGER bragging that he is basically being paid to check out some cool bands is about to enter his own personal hell.

A TEACHER recognised by his pupils as ‘cool’ is actually a 28-year-old man desperate to be popular with children, it has emerged.

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?

A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures.

MINDFUL that there are only 55 hours to go before the first gig of the Oasis reunion, a man has started on pre-drinks this afternoon.

A BAN on alcohol adverts is guaranteed to make the British public immediately stop drinking permanently, it is believed.