THE government has brought Rod Stewart’s model railway into public ownership despite the star's protests, it has emerged.

NIGEL Farage has reached the inevitable stage every cult leader does by demanding that Britain f**k for him. Will you answer the call?

SADIQ Khan has outrageously suggested that the law in London should be updated to match ongoing realities on the ground.

RUMOURS that every left-wing national leader is secretly gay may arise from the bigoted dicks arrayed against them, research has found.

THE worst part of the Chagos Islands deal is that Starmer could have gone to war over them and secured a second term, it has emerged.

BRITAIN’S pensioners have announced that they will continue to loathe Starmer even though he has bent to their whim.

THE Liverpool parade crash suspect is in court today while rumours continue to swirl online that the real culprit was not a white man. As in these cases.

I’VE always dreamt of being a police community support officer, so I jumped at the chance to confront the worst type of criminal scum threatening our society: fare dodgers.

WHEN backpacker Nikki Hollis went missing in Stoke-on-Trent, friend Tom Logan knew he had to save her. Here is the moving story of how he finally brought her home.

DISAPPOINTED? Staked your X followers on Monday’s attack being Islamic terrorism? Arrest of a 53-year-old white man make this unlikely? Don’t let it get in the way of your racism.

ARE you doing something for charity? Does the effort and cost involved comfortably outweigh any money you might raise? Does that make you a cretin?

HIGH drama in other people’s lives is the best kind of drama, and nothing could be more delectable than to see these terrible, life-ruining, incredibly entertaining events in the flesh.

A WOMAN who enjoys stationery as an abstract, decorative concept has been disgusted to see it being used for its assigned purpose.

A WOMAN taking a week’s holiday abroad is weighed down by the expectation that it must be a voyage of emotional exploration and self-discovery.

GOOD morning. Today we’re hearing from Johan, who’s dealing with some unusual horticultural conditions because he’s woken up with a f**king ship in the garden.

A WOMAN whose body has adjusted to holding a takeaway coffee in every waking moment is no longer able to stand upright without one.

A MAN has decided the best way to clean his shower is to wash himself in it.

IS YOUR stag or hen do almost affordable? Has the sheer expense not caused you to lose a single friend? You’re doing it wrong. Here’s how to boost the cost.

BOOING our own player? Who’s just won the league? Of course we did. And anyone who criticises that doesn’t understand he’s made all Liverpool fans look right dicks.

A 63-YEAR-OLD man has explained to his grandchildren that once, Liverpool were just as successful and twatty about it as Manchester City are today.

COMPETITORS in the London Marathon are running into an actual, physical wall and attempting to grittily push through it.

FOOTBALL fans from chic, sophisticated Paris are currently in Birmingham due to a foul quirk of the Champions League.

GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience.

NEW England manager Thomas Tuchel has chosen the same tired old players who lost the last two Euros finals. Who should he have picked instead?

NIGEL Farage has announced that Reform UK is now accepting bitcoin in an attempt to grab the youth weed dealer vote. How much will you be donating?

A MILLENNIAL man has proved he is not hopelessly addicted to his phone by focusing his attention on a completely different screen for a whole 30 minutes.

A SIMPLE monosyllabic text from a father has left his family scratching their heads. Can you make sense of it?

THE matriarch of a xenomorph hive is to join Katy Perry on today’s all-female space launch, it has been confirmed.

A UK-based bellend is frustrated he cannot advertise his credentials as his area’s leading arsehole by driving a Tesla Cybertruck.

BEAUTIFUL blonde Billie Piper has immediately become a dad’s most beloved incarnation of the Doctor, he has confirmed.

THERE is a new Banksy out there, and if you can smash the wall it’s on and get the bits home, you’ll be a millionaire! These are the rules.

DOCTOR Who is too woke, and needs to return to its roots of an old white man visiting inferior cultures and sneering at them. Who should take the role?

KNEECAP’S performance at Glastonbury will be so middle-class it could be mistaken for a John Lewis sale, organisers have warned.

WITH Virgin Island Channel 4 has discovered that sexual awkwardness means viewing figures, and all on the cheap. These will soon be monetised for TV.

IT isn’t all about the music, man. These bands had looks, charisma, fashion and tunes in that order and remain loved anyway.

UNACCOUNTABLY, it appears acting the twat in front of the whole world can damage perceptions of you. No matter. This is my genius plan to turn that around.

A TEACHER recognised by his pupils as ‘cool’ is actually a 28-year-old man desperate to be popular with children, it has emerged.

A MAN has brightened after realising that, despite his having masturbated already today, a second go is a distinct possibility.

EVEN the stupid need jobs, and they’re prepared to overlook the long-term consequences entirely if offered enough. Hence these employment opportunities:

BRITONS are thinking about what they would be doing in the sun if they were not basically historical slaves but with computers.

LINKEDIN has confirmed those searching your name on the professional networking site are not doing so to see your recent work activities but for rampant, gleeful self-abuse.

GETTING a group of co-workers to mesh can be a challenge, but you don’t need to waste money on wanky team-building events. Simply appeal to their basest instincts, like this...

A MAN who does not have a single coherent memory of a music festival he spent the weekend at firmly believes he had the time of his life.

KEIR Starmer is allowing pubs to stay open two hours later tonight to celebrate VE Day. Here’s how to show your respect for those who experienced the war by drinking more.

A MAN has looked at the power cut across Spain, considered his options, and decided that in similar circumstances in the UK he would get pissed.

MOCKED as the alcoholic beverages of choice for builders and bus-stop pissheads, these drinks are ripe for gentrification in Shoreditch pop-up bars.

EASTER is less popular with Brits than Christmas or other bank holidays because it’s not a licence to get totally shitfaced. Here’s how to liven it up with games involving alcohol abuse.