Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You're feeling pretty hot right now – and with good reason. Your house is on fire!
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Distance yourself from all the crazy mess around you. Tell the bus driver it was the man sitting next to you who went off and that you are not going to clean up after someone else.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You are experiencing a power surge that is actually a bit uncomfortable. But you paid that woman good money to attach those wires to your genitals, so just deal with it!
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Get your co-workers to fall into line without having to resort to brute force – show them your gun. The ‘Mr Stinky’ tag was only a joke was it? Dance, you bastards, dance!
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You are feeling so full of great energy that you think you could pull off anything. What? Even a pig?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Things are so great between you and your girlfriend that you feel tempted to brag about it to all your mates. No point. They’ve all had her already! Bet they could tell you a thing or two.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
When someone upsets you, instead of burying your real emotions for the sake of politeness, bury them. Alive!
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Others less clued up than you are looking to you for the answers to some tough questions, so choose your words carefully. How about these: Go. Fuck. Yourselves. Losers.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A cluttered home leads to a cluttered mind. Luckily you have been burgled
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A good friend is hinting at something more than the usual camaraderie. Bringing sex into this relationship could lead to complications. Why not shag them and then get a new friend?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Generosity doesn't always involve handing over money. Ask your wife. She says it’s a long time since she last saw the top of your head.