Science & Technology

RUSSELL Brand is having furtive, unsatisfying sex with you right now, it has emerged.

SEARCH engine giant Google has opened trials of GoogleFrot, a new application designed to create a global network of simultaneous groin-rubbing.

THERE were fresh demands last night for the rest of the world's clowns to be fired into orbit immediately.

SCIENTISTS have claimed that the moon could support middle-class life forms after the discovery of a crater containing a Pizza Express and an excellent primary school.

A MANNED mission to Swindon touched down successfully last night near the town's factory outlet village.

ROBOTS who dislike foreigners and other people's cats are being sold as companions for the elderly.

ENTIRE cities are to be moved and species made extinct to correspond with what it says on Wikipedia, it was confirmed last night.

SENIOR police officers have been told to explain why they prevented rival gangs of West Ham and Millwall fans from beating each other to death last night.

PEOPLE across Northern England fled in panic last night claiming the 'cloud gods were shooting darts of angry fire across the sky'.

MEN were declared obsolete last night after scientists finally perfected a dildo that can remove spiders from a bathtub.