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THE crowd before the Pyramid Stage is in a frenzy. Then He strides on stage and they lose it. The whole attendance of Pilton Farm, chanting ‘Oh, Nigel Farage’…

DUE to the vagaries of late-stage capitalism – I believe in giving back, so I subscribe to eight OnlyFans – I needed a job. WFH of course, I’m not a freak.

Apparently there’s a shot of the Sycamore Gap tree in the new 28 Years Later. But a fast-moving zombie one.

WAKING with a hangover so pulsating it has disabled streaming services in the Lambeth area, leaving providers such as Netflix and Disney+ owing thousands in compensation, I reflect upon yesterday’s events. 

EVERYTHING’S got to be tarted up and made 'special' these days, hasn’t it? Even pizzas, beautiful in their simplicity, a timeless British classic. 

ADVENTUROUS couple Jordan and Sophie Gardner, both 35, are out with 26-year-old Charlotte Phelps. But can this menage a trois even share dessert?

The first casualty of war is truth. The second is Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

WAKING up with a hangover so intense and impactful it caused my dog to vomit, I reflect on the week’s diverting events. 

WAGWAN? Man ’as been on a rollercoaster ride, fam, literally and megaphorically. Active J woz bare uninspired to swag at a toddler theme park, called Chessington Worlds of Hadventure.

THERE’S a lot to do on a Tuesday – work, children, determinedly not drinking – and an inept eating-out costs valuable scrolling time. Use these tips and you’ll soon be accepting Best Simulated Orgasm with a tearful speech: