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THE discovery that harmless cowpox inoculated against deadly smallpox saved humanity from a disease that killed one in every ten people, while causing bothersome injections from local pharmacists.

How different musical history would be if Elton John had written his hits with Bernie Clifton. Mick Jagger with Keith Harris. Roger Daltrey with Nookie Bear.

WAKING with a hangover whose tremors cause several slate tiles to come loose from the palace roof, luckily only causing minor head injuries below, I take a sip of water and look back on the week’s events.

FAM! Early dis week a bruv bangs hinto Active J on him’s way to da hastroturf at break wiv mandem crew, an’ starts dissin’ man habout bein’ a fake roadman. You wot, bruv?

A DARK cloud is rolling across Europe. We may not see it lit af again in our lifetimes.

As humans we have collectively decided: when woodland society inevitably organises, badgers will be the police.

WAKING up with a hangover whose throbbing is so intense it disrupts satnav systems across central London, I take a sip of water and reflect on another momentous week. 

I DON’T know if anyone will ever read this. But if you do, PLEASE send help. I'm hiding in the pantry of the house Meghan pretends to live in. And I can't get out.

CAN fat fetishist Joshua Hudson, aged 31, persuade 28-year-old Sophie Rodriguez they’d have more fun if she was two ton?

Oh great. Now my f**king robot hoover’s eloped with Sir Killalot.