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There's a man down Gandalf's chip shop swears he's Elvish.

WAKING with a hangover that has caused my urine to turn violet, I reflect on an event I hosted this week in which delegates of the Church met leading humanists and atheists to find common ground.

WHAT is it with this sudden invasion of Vietnamese restaurants opening over here? Unheard of 20 years ago, now you can't bloody move for the things.

I WAS gagged this morning by a look in the mirror. Instead of a youthful, Yassified face, I saw faint signs of wrinkles and a single grey hair.

Best opening chess move? Getting up and walking away. You’re too cool for that shit.

WAKING up with a hangover that would cause a blue whale to turn green and let out farts and belches generating waves liable to upend distant fishing boats, I reflect on my week. 

WAGWAN? Active J does not sleep wiv da big light on anymore, coz man’s ID sez him’s a genuine hadult an’ can now buy fruity vapes legit, over da counter, innit. 

THOM Logan, aged 28, is meant to be dating 26-year-old Lauren Hewitt but fancies the girl on the next table along way more. Will this be a problem?

And once again, despite this happening at least twice a week for the last decade, you find you have no conversational common ground with a North Sea trawlerman.

WAKING with a hangover which, if plugged into the national grid, could maintain a small town’s electricity supply for a month, I reflect on a momentous week for my ministry.