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HEARD of EastEnders? It’s a television programme from the days before streaming, when TVs were huge because they contained analogue puppets acting out the show.

You got a time of 18.25 seconds in your iron man triathalon. The Iron Man armour helped.

WAKING up naked atop the tomb of Mother Teresa, clutching an empty bottle of overproof rum and boasting a raging erection, I realise I have a little explaining to do in order to preserve ecumenical harmony.

KATE’S absence from public life has led to dreadful tittle-tattle and rumours, but the mundane truth is simply that she’s reverted to lizard form. Here she reveals her favourite places to visit as a reptile.

YOUNG people are adept at watching two different genres of pornography simultaneously on separate devices, it has emerged.

VEGANS across the country are celebrating the creation of yet another freakish aberration of nature that scientists have dubbed a ‘meat alternative’.

I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts and you’ve got the only key? That can’t be right.

WAKING up with a headache that feels like my brain matter has been trampled by an angry donkey, I reflect on the events of the last two days. I had attended an informal international event, established in 1886 among the world’s Archbishops: a masturbation contest.

JUST like when a friend asks your opinion on a poem they’ve written, it can be hard to find nice things to say about your partner’s junk. But anything that may boost your chances of oral sex is worth a go.