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Why did the band on the Titanic play Nearer My God to Thee? Bit on the nose when the encroaching freezing water was enough of a portent of doom. A jazzy tune like The Entertainer might have gone done better in the circumstances.

WAKING up with a hangover so vast it has its own moons orbiting it, I am pleased to be informed of new rules regarding financial disclosure for members of the House of Lords.

WHY shouldn’t I? After all, nobody else is paying. But while the Albanians can walk out with armfuls of diamond bracelets, you guessed it – it’s different for Brits.

MODERN dating is a hellscape. Or so my friends enjoying bountiful casual sex thanks to dating apps tell me. But relationships are the real AI-generated desert.

PROFIT from a Freakier Friday body-swap scenario in which people invariably return to their own bodies by demanding £5,000 not to cut off a leg. 

WAKING up with a hangover that has turned my genitals quite, quite green, I reflect on the week’s unusually warm weather. 

I'M off on holiday. It's been a while and a mate down the pub told me Sorrento is pretty upmarket. As a discerning chap, I wanted my first time in Eyetie Land to be classy.

LOVE has eluded Wayne Hayes, aged 45, due to a lengthy prison sentence. Will 40-year-old Nikki Hollis be more open than the last four years?

YOUR partner often looks at you fondly and says you’re a child at heart. You’d think she’d be disgusted by you using a potty.

WAKING up with a hangover so virulent it has developed its own head which protrudes from my neck shouting abuse, I reflect on my correspondence with The Times newspaper this week.